There are times when I really don’t want to be in the same building as my eight year old. I’m sure I’m not the only parent who thinks this. Two nights ago, I walked into the bathroom following twenty minutes of intense prevarication on dudelet’s part and asked him if he’d cleaned his teeth.
“You’ve already asked me that!” he whined.
I know, I wanted to say, and I’m asking again because you ignored me. And because you’ll ignore me this time and then again until you finally get the reaction you’re looking for: an explosion of frustrated rage on my part generating dramatic tears and an even larger explosion on your part culminating in your slamming the bathroom door on me and screaming every time I try to engage you or attract your attention. The previous night I’d been foolish enough to tell him that I’d actually been waiting for half an hour and had triggered slammed doors and inarticulate howls of rage and sorrow every time I’d come near him until he finally fell asleep, still furious.
This time, I didn’t say anything. Ten minutes later, he cleaned his teeth. But I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
You can probably tell that we’ve got a bit of a cycle happening here – we ask him to do something, he doesn’t do it, we wait a reasonable amount of time and ask again and he explodes in fury. It’s unpleasant, it happens on a daily basis and we still don’t really know what to do about it. Eggshells, many of them broken, all over the house.
We know it’s related to a number of issues:
• Self-esteem
• Tiredness
• School
• Growing up
Growing up is the easiest one to accommodate. We know hormones and testosterone are raging throughout his (still) little body. He’s an increasingly independent being who struggles with that independence and the responsibilities. There are changes going on with his body and it’s both interesting and frightening for him. The good news is that he at least talks to us about him and the those conversations (that’s a whole other post) are going well. The bad news is that it contributes to the thunder and lightning of the other issues.
Tiredness is a big problem. Dudelet is an early riser. Four thirty isn’t unknown. At eight, he knows to keep the noise down and to find something quiet to entertain himself with and we’re lucky that he’s a good reader. But if he wakes up before five during a light sleep phase he just won’t try and go back to sleep again. There are simply too many distractions and short of stripping every book out of his room and putting a lock on his door (NOT under consideration for even a single moment!) there isn’t a lot we can do about it.
But this means that by six or seven o’clock, after a long day at school, he’s often cranky, grumpy and carrying huge bags under his eyes. He’s generally asleep before eight thirty but we’re pretty sure he isn’t getting all the sleep he needs.
School is another challenge. His tiredness is starting to impinge on his behaviour in the classroom (his teacher reports that he sometimes ‘loses it’ over the tiniest of things) and getting him to engage in out of school activities is a constant battle. He seems to be well socialise and popular but he’s clever and still hasn’t learned how to manage how he uses that cleverness. In other ways, he’s immature for his age – he cries more readily than other children. He’s physically timid (this frustrates supermum, who can be a bit of a Hemulen, a great deal) and avoids teamsports or physically activities like the proverbial plague. I suspect (and feel rather guilty about it) that he gets a lot of this from me. In other ways, he’s ahead of most of his peers ( a full stage above in areas like maths and reading).
Looking at books and commentaries leads us to believe that self-esteem, or lack of it, at the core of dudelet’s tantrums and difficulties in coping with everyday elements of family life. On some occasions he’s come right out and said it – “I’m no good at anything” “You don’t love me” “You think I’m rubbish” – and it breaks my heart.
It also makes me feel terribly guilty, as if my own feelings of inadequacy and failure have somehow infected him like an airborne virus
So what are we doing?
Nothing very spectacular. We’re biting our lip, we’re avoiding getting drawn into confrontations (which always end appallingly badly), we’re praising when possible and avoiding being negative. We’e already doing most of the things one finds on typical parenting checklists (except, of course, when we forget ourselves – we get tired too). I can’t help feeling that a lot of these tensions would dissipate if he could only learn to go back to sleep. But that’s not something we can impose – he has to learn to do it himself.
Anyone else find themselves trapped in this sort of a cycle? How did you manage to break out of it?
February 5th, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Oh, this sounds like the daily routine here. Princi is seven going on fourteen! I feel like I’m constantly on at Princi about getting dressed, eating her dinner, brushing her teeth etc. It drives both of us mad, to tell the truth, but nothing works in breaking us out of it. There have been a couple of days here or there when she’s done everything without being asked, but they are few and far between.
Princi isn’t really an early riser, more of a late sleeper. She refuses to fall asleep before 10pm and lies in her bed looking into space after she’s been told that it’s time to put the books down. I also worry that she’s not getting enough sleep, but she never does seem tired and she has boundless energy. She finds it hard to stay still and she can’t concentrate on one thing at a time, she has to be doing two or three things simultaneously – like playing a game whilst drawing a picture whilst watching a DVD. And even when she is simply watching a DVD, she never is, she insists on having the subtitles on so she can read along, so she knows she’s getting the words right for when she inevitably pauses the DVD for ten minutes to act the scene out!
Like Dudelet, she’s clever, but she has said in the past that she has to keep that cleverness a secret from others. She has recently started saying that she has no friends and that nobody likes her – and I don’t know what to do about that. I have suggested that maybe she should approach some of the kids in her class and offer to help them do things. But this negativity she seems to have hasn’t stopped her from enjoying school, which leaves me more confused. Her teacher has mentioned that she’s not paying attention in class, and Princi has said that’s because she bored because the work is too easy. On days when she learns new things, she comes home happy and tells me about it. That leads me to think that the days she refuses to tell me about what she’s learned are the days when it’s been boring.
She has a list of favourite, heartbreaking phrases at the moment: “You don’t love me,” “Nobody believes in me,” “I’m leaving this house,” to name but a few. It’s always one, but most of the time all of these, at least once a day. It makes both her and me into raging messes.
As for breaking out of these horrible routines, I have no idea how to. I give her space, she gets angry that I won’t speak to her. I try to talk to her, she gets angry that I won’t leave her alone. It’s catch-22 whichever way you look at it.
Sorry for the long comment, but you’re definitely not alone in feeling bewildered by an increasing independent and self-aware little person!
February 5th, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Thank you! I wish none of us were going through this sort of thing but its good to know we aren’t alone in it. Those phrases – heartbreaking. Dudelet’s echoed some of them himself.
I think the key thing (and it relates to P’s comment) is your last sentence – they’re independent, self-aware but still so little…
February 5th, 2012 at 6:22 pm
You know our story. Things are not perfect, but improving.
I could write so much …. looks like I might have done.
For us, not jumping into the pit with our child helped, so around some issues the phase, ‘you’ll manage’ and afterwards ‘did you manage?’ meant we reminded outside of it. The child may still moan and whine and I feel very cruel and unloving but at the same time, it means I keep myself detached. It is hard though and not appropriate for all situations but useful especially for things like, “I want, I need and this isn’t right”. It’s a tool I would prefer not to have to use, but it has its place in our lives.
For us also, speaking about my feelings when my child doesn’t do something I’ve asked helps. So as soon as you feel that fleck of emotion when he doesn’t do as you’ve asked, say how you feel. “I feel [and name the emotion] when you don’t clean your teeth when I ask you” It is important though NOT to say, ‘you make me feel’ because that is implying they have power over your emotions when we are responsible for our own emotions and behaviours and I feel it is important to teach children that. Thinking about when my son didn’t clean his teeth when I asked, I felt disrespected and ignored. Saying it, doesn’t necessarily lead to a change in your child’s behaviour, but it’s acknowledged yours before the emotion reaches explosive capacity.
Often examining the choices I have as a parent and why I want my child eg to clean there teeth, helps in managing how I feel. I used to get really angry when I was called though in the night to my child, sometimes 5 to 6 times a night. I didn’t acknowledge I had a choice to ignore the child and once I realised the alternative, it helped me to realise I was respecting my values by getting up and going through. I also looked for alternative solutions and found some which I implement when I feel I need the choice not to get up but at the same time not ignore the child.
And as for slamming doors, I’ve done that as a adult but as a child I was too fearful of the consequences. So on the plus side at least D lives in a household where he feels safe to express his anger or other feelings. I’ve learnt saying how I feel, even though it doesn’t change the other person can be helpful, I’ve respected my own feelings by acknowledging them. I wonder also though, if your son, like my child struggles with being reminded they are a child (school especially can do this as well as ‘parenting behaviours’) and they don’t have the power for with all their cleverness to fix everything in the world as it ‘should’ be according to their feelings and this can led them to question themselves and their abilities.
Hope this makes sense and isn’t preachy. It’s just meant to recount some of my experience.
February 5th, 2012 at 10:19 pm
I do think that we dont always express what we’re feeling soon enough. Though it doesn’t always help in that when I or we do, dudelet can feel that we are focusing on what we’re feeling when he wants us to understand what he’s feeling.
But today was a good day!
February 5th, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Hmmm, seems like I’m having a big dyslexic day, I hope my comment above wasn’t too painful to read .… and I forgot to mention, as if my comment wasn’t long enough, homeopathy was a useful tool as well for us.
February 5th, 2012 at 10:18 pm
Not at all! Homeopathy is more of a personal, choice, I think. Supermum’s more engaged with it.
February 5th, 2012 at 7:21 pm
Hi I’m wondering if you’ve considered a sleep therapist? I think you’re spot on that sleep is at the heart of these issues, god knows at the end of the week I’m a lot less patient than on a Sunday night, and with kids it builds up. But you can’t go on walking on eggshells and if your kid doesn’t sleep now this is something that is going to affect his whole life. I wish I could give you some contacts, but I’m in a different country. Good luck and hope things get better.
February 5th, 2012 at 10:21 pm
Hi and thanks!
We have thought about sleep counselling. We’ve also contemplated parenting classes, though not coaches – too isolating. If we attended a class, we’d want to meet other people with the same crisis of confidence about their parenting skills.
February 6th, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Please don’t have a crisis of confidence over your child. You seem a very aware, down to earth parent who is not burying your head in the sand. If a few more people could be like you hey!
February 5th, 2012 at 8:17 pm
Aw, this all sounds so familiar, though my eldest is only just 7, and has been behaving like this for almost two years now! I just keep telling myself she is working through it early
In her case, a lot of it does stem from self worth issues, as she was abandoned by her biological mother and is struggling to deal with that.Try as we might to assure her that we are here for her and always will be, no matter what, it doesn’t sink in. She seems to think that sleep is a form of punishment (as in, why does my little sister get to stay up later?!! Um, she had a three hour nap, and she has never needed as much sleep as you, love.) Ah well! it’s all part of growing up, as hard as it can be to deal with at the time. I always remind her that she has a choice – she may not like either of the options, but she ALWAYS has a choice (You can choose to find something to do, or you can choose to lie on the floor and be miserable). And I hope that over time, she starts to make some more proactive choices lol.
Anyways, all that to say that you are very much not alone, and sometimes just knowing that you’re not alone in this makes it a little easier to handle. I have a friend whose son was very similar to this. He is now ten and for the most part a really fantastic kid who barely slams a door these days, and has learned more positive ways to deal with his difficulties in the world.
February 5th, 2012 at 10:28 pm
Thank you so much for that!
Oh poor dear! (I empathise with her particular issue too). One thing we’re lucky in is that he’s stopped making a fuss about his sister’s tendency to stay up a little later. Though mostly because he just falls asleep practically on his feet by 8:30 after getting up at 5 or earlier…
February 6th, 2012 at 5:09 am
So much good advice from others here. I just wanted to say, as the parent of a nearly 16 year old who was sensitive and clever at 8 (and still is), that he *will* grow and mature, and these issues will fade eventually. I never thought my tantrumy, quick-to-tears boy would grow into a calm, easy-going and hilarious young man, and I suspect he did so in spite of anything we did as parents. Really it sounds like you are doing everything right. If I could go back to the more difficult times, all I would do differently is ramp up the pure, unadulterated love — hugs and cuddles all around! Anyway, that’s all I have to share… just hang in there!
February 8th, 2012 at 9:37 am
Hey Kirsti – blog something already, okay?
Hugs. We definitely need more hugs in our house. And less shouting from all concerned.
February 7th, 2012 at 3:20 pm
8? OMG wait until there 12, or 16! Gasp! They’re kids, they love to push your buttons. Just love them, teach them, and show them the right way in your actions and words.
February 8th, 2012 at 9:36 am
Oh joy! Though grown-ups also love to push buttons, admittedly. People love to push buttons, lets face it!
February 25th, 2012 at 10:24 pm
This has been such an eye opener for me. I have just this moment come away from one of my daughters rages. She is eight and a half and seems to be doing everything your children are doing. The guilt of being a ‘ bad ‘ parent is nearly killing me and not knowing what to do ?? It’s a nightmare. Being a primary school teacher doesn’t help as it makes me feel even more inadequate for not being able to sooth and deal with my own child. But I keep feeling that this will pass. Everything you have all said about the fact that it is ok to feel angry as a child, even if we were taught that it was wrong. I do keep asking my mother whether I was like that or commenting on the fact that if I had done that as a child , etc. we do have a different relationship with our daughters and are much more open and I think that by accepting its ok for her to feel frustrated and angry, we may get somewhere. We do hug and give lots of love after the event or just in daily life. That’s perhaps why it is such a shock when she decides to kick off. And we are not perfect and forget all our good intentions and begin to shout and get cross ourselves. It seems so much easier on these tv program’s when someone fresh comes in and is all calm. But I think that when you actually love the little cross person who is shouting at you, it becomes so much harder to remain calm and neutral and controlled. I am much closer to my parents in adulthood than I was as a child and remember feeling perhaps rather stiffed when I was growing up. Perhaps our way of being close and open….and having tantrums in the house…isn’t a negative thing but actually a display of open and healthy emotions that are inevitable in this world. In the end , who knows. All I know is that we love our daughter desperately and hate to see her feeling angry or unhappy. Keep loving and carry on I guess. Reading all these comments have helped so much, I can’t say. Even if it doesn’t change her behaviour, I think it will change mine.
June 7th, 2012 at 1:38 pm
I haven’t been paying attention! “Keep loving and carry on I guess” is about it, I think – though what Kirsti says below is very helpful, especially the need to reward the positives…
March 25th, 2012 at 3:29 am
Wow I just felt like you were talking about my 8 year old. It is relentless in our house. Tonight or today is a very good example of the daily fight I deal with my daughter. She is usually the first one up in mornings and typically she won’t bother anyone else if we are all still asleep. But once her older sister wakes up and we get going for the day I can always count on the daily temper tantrums from her. One minute she is fine the next she is stomping around the house, slamming doors, fighting with her older sister and yelling and scremaing like a mad woman. Sometimes I just keep doing what I am doing but when it starts getting later in the day like close to bed time I can no longer allow her to behave like this. She can be mean to her brother and sister and to me as well. If her father is here it is not too bad but when he is gone for training because he is military, then I know everyday is going to be a fight. I am at my wits end with her. I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I can throw humor in to change the situation but that does not always work. I am trying to figure out if this is just the age or is there something more going on. She is an excellent student and her PE teacher says she is the most athletic student in the entire school. She does gymnastics, cheerleading and girl scouts. I thought that once she started participating in sports that she would do better but nope its still the same. Oh she is the youngest of my three children. Her teacher only has one complaint and that is she talks a little too much from time to time but nothing she can’t correct. She does not behave like this at school just at home with me. So is it me that’s the problem or what, I just can’t figure this out. Truly frustrated looking for some guidance.
March 25th, 2012 at 10:44 am
God! I haven’t got much to offer beyond sympathy, I’m afraid. The other thing that people with large families have told me is to grit your teeth and let them fight it out…
April 15th, 2012 at 9:50 pm
I am so happy to have stumbled upon this discussion. I, like most of you, am struggling to understand my emotional, dramatic 7 year old daughter. She has always had a bit of an attitude, but this year the attitude has turned into anger and aggression at times, which is causing her to get in trouble at school with constant tension at home.
I have tried everything from taking things away and her having to earn them back, behavior charts with goals she works toward for the end of the week… all are temporary fixes.
She is a very social child and makes friends easy, but at times has a hard time being kind to her friends. I have had the principal call me twice this year to talk to me about reports of my daughter “bullying” other children by being physical with them or making fun of them.
I do not spank or hit her but at times have lost it by yelling bc I simply don’t know what to do!
I know it is cause and effect and I am not helping her know how to handle her feelings.
I have tired to talk to her to see if anything is bothering her, but she always says nothing. She does not talk very openly with me, which hurts me bc I want her to be able to talk about anything with me. Growing up, I was not very open with my mother, and still as an adult. I do not want this for Kaia.
She has often said that nobody at school likes her… but this also comes when she gets a report home from school saying she was being mean to other kids.
I have thought about counseling for her, but don’t know if that will make things worse for her, making her feel like something is wrong with her.
Kaia is soooo great at soo many things and I just want her to be happy and know she is wonderful! I obviously tell her this all the time, but for some reason she is not feeling it.
June 7th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I’ve written about this somewhere but one thing I do with dudelet is ‘three things’. Every night, almost without fail, once of us lists three things that have been good about being with him during the day. Doesn’t matter if they’re big, small or silly – three positives, without qualification. Don’t know how it helps but it does. I suppose it at least leaves us thinking about the good side of things at bedtime.
May 7th, 2012 at 3:53 pm
Ditto on happy to find this discussion. We struggle with anger and agression in our 9 year old daughter. We met yesterday with an educational coach who had ADD as a child, struggled to fit in the box and has developed skills to work around for kids as an educator. Just starting this process. It is hard, she doesn’t know why she gets angry and is sooo apologetic after she settles down – but in the heat of things it has gotten progressively worse. We are trying to re-learn our behaviours; getting quieter as she gets louder, ignoring bad behavior – praising good (too a point on the ignoring). I’ll post again after we try this new tact out. thanks!
Michele
May 23rd, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Oh my! We are all having soo much fun with our little darlings!!! I have 4 children and it is my second eldest, who is 8. He is becoming very angry about everything- shouting the usual, well none of you care, you all hate me, I hate you….etc etc. But unfortuantely his anger has spilled over into aggression. He has been having an issue with a teaching assistant at school, who he feels is always on his case. This assistant told him off this week and my son hit out at him, because he turned away whilst Adam was talking to him.!!! Myself anf my husband were totally devestate with this turn of events and my son had a severe telling off, lost the opportunity to visit his friends for tea, was banned from TV for the rest of the week and had to write a letter of apology to the TA. We are at a bit of a loss and feel like the worlds worst parents!
Nice to know others are in similar boats!!! Thanks, keep sharing ideas and ways forward guys- if something works let us know!!!
Thanks
Claire
May 31st, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Crikey! This does seem to be a live issue for people! Though I’m beginning to wonder whether the age of four isn’t even worse…
June 7th, 2012 at 10:12 am
Reading this discussion forum, is like reading about our own 7 and a half year old. Although she is excellent at school, well behaved, does as her teacher asks at home (in front of me, her father and sister) it can be a wholly different story. At home, she can have the most explosive blow outs that spark over absolutely nothing, she loses it and sometimes these “episodes” go on for about an hour, with her screaming, shouting, sometimes kicking the floor etc. She has no control. Always she will try and blame someone/something for these outbursts, she can never see her fault and always she has to have the last word in any discussion/argument. She has taken to saying “I am SO ANGRY,” or “You are making me ANGRY!!” She shouts so much of the time, and we too feel like we are walking on eggshells. I have been searching the internet and am wondering if she is bipolar or something else, as she is just like that poem, “…. when she was good, she was very, very good, when she was naughty she was horrid.”
My husband and I just think this behaviour is not normal, and I am dreading what she will be like when she is a teenager and is having periods!
I was wondering about trying a behaviour chart, or a behaviour jar, but am not really sure how to go about it. My Mum said to just focus on the behaviours that we are trying to correct and put a marble in the jar for bad behaviour with a prize at the end of the week if there were fewer than 10 marbles in the jar, but I could just see her yowling her head off at a marble being put in the jar and it would probably cause more upset than anything. I would love to hear any ideas on that and whether any such similar charts etc have worked.
One thing that I also agree on with others is that our daughter seems very tired. She is often up before anyone else and will read in her room, and she seems to drag bedtime out so she is often going to bed late. That is one thing that my husband and I are going to try and do is to get her in bed a lot earlier, as like a lot of you, I think if she could just sleep more she would feel a lot better.
My brother just says she is stressed, and school and after school activities (we do three other things in the week) and growing up is stressful for a little kid.
At the end of the day I don’t know but I am searching for answers just like you. I wish you all the best with your little boy and if you find anything that works let us know!
June 7th, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Anne, i just had to respond — That sounds so frustrating and I’m sure you are doing so many things right! When I read about the marble jar, I thought about what I have done as a teacher (and many teachers do) which is “catch them being good”. Instead of putting a marble in the jar for bad behavior, you put it in for good behavior and you try to reward the behavior you want to encourage. She can have a marble for helping set the table, cleaning up her room, going a full day without a tantrum. When the jar is full, she gets a reward of some kind. The only important thing is not to negotiate over the marbles, or threaten (“you won’t get a marble if…”) and not to take them away as a punishment. And to stay calm and disengaged in the face of the tantrums — which is the very hardest thing!
There is a great book that helped me — Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline.
Now I have teens which is a whole other ballgame, but IMO still easier than dealing with the tantrums!
June 7th, 2012 at 1:42 pm
What Kirsti said – moving on from the bad (though not ignoring it!) and rewarding the good is so crucial. I think they simply get very tired at this age and there’s no way around it – they’re growing and changing at such a ferocious rate!
January 10th, 2013 at 10:02 pm
this is such a familiar tale…we are going through the exact same problems with our 9 year old daughter. She has always been an outgoing humorous good natured child , all be it a bit emotional and tramatic but definetly a good kid. However in the last 2 mths something has changed and we just cannot seem to get through to her at all. Interestingly like a lot of posts on here, she to is a night owl and clever, far too clever for her own good, but in a way, that makes the behaviour even harder to accept….she KNOWS what she is doing and manipulates the situation every step of the way..we have tried everything every tact every method but just cannot seem to get through to her….. Its exhausting and upsetting… Im just holding on to the hope that its a faze and blip and we will come out the otherside stronger and wiser xxx
January 11th, 2013 at 1:31 pm
I have a suspicion our five year old is going to be a fabulous manipulator. See my reply to Jeanna, though.
January 11th, 2013 at 1:24 pm
I also have an 8 year old son that has become very short tempered and having outbursts of crying and screaming over the smallest of things. It’s very strange for me because he is the well mannered, well behaved, straight A, good child. I am aware that lack of sleep does contribute to his behavior issues. And honestly they have been few and far between until lately. After further discussion after the meltdown, I have learned that he is being picked on constantly, everyday, at school by one of his “friends”. That “friend” is getting other children to pick on him too. His self esteem has plummeted. He questions everything now. Is he good enough? Will he ever have a good job? Will he ever get married? Is he ever going to grow taller? Will he slim down when he does? And if so, will he be able to run faster? I laughed at some of the questions, but then noticed that he was seriously concerned about them…..at 8 years old! Times have changed, they are smarter and wiser beyond their years and that are still kids. They have no idea how to deal with all of this, then again many adults don’t either. I have no real answer here. We are working on appropriate responses to being angry. He’s not allowed to respond at school to this brat of a child that picks on him and he bottles it up. I have advised the teacher and she has noticed and is making changes. However, I know this kid and he is sneaky and manipulative, he will just do it behind the teacher’s back. I wish you good luck. I was happy to see I wasn’t the only parent of an 8 year old that was pulling my hair out.
January 11th, 2013 at 1:30 pm
I really need to make a New Years Resolution to kick-start this blog again properly! The crying and wailing still kicks off but we’ve evolved a new tactic of sending him straight to his room to calm down. We don’t set a time limit and we don’t comment when he comes back down under his own steam. Seems to be working – this week!
January 11th, 2013 at 1:38 pm
I do the exact same thing. I know when I get mad I would love to have a time out and surely need it. So I send him to his room and his sister to her room. They aren’t in time out as in they can’t play or read or whatever, just need to calm down and think about it. They usually regroup in 10-15 minutes and are ok. I did however have to do this for the whole night last week. Let’s just say they get along pretty good now because they were miserable and bored being alone. I have three children, one is 19 and she is just fine. Never had an issue out of her. What worked with her does not work with my son and does not work with my youngest. So I just keep trying different things. Find their currency is what I keep hearing from a child therapist. You have to know what is important to them. My son is money and video games. So instead of punishing him with them, I reward him with them like allowance. It seems to work. My youngest is still excited over stickers and stamps thank goodness.
February 20th, 2013 at 4:30 pm
So, I have to ask… you wrote this post a year ago. Dudelet is now a year older. Has anything gotten better with his attitude, behavior, sleeping? I am trying to find physical outlets for my 8 yr old Darling to relieve his anger. I don’t want him to supress it, and disrespecting me or other members of our family (or our home, as he loves to slam doors, throw toys into the (moving) ceiling fan, etc. etc. etc.). I would love to know if you found some things, tricks, tools for Dudelet that you might pass on to the rest of us.
February 27th, 2013 at 2:36 pm
I really should write another one! Yes, things have improved. There are still the outbursts of anger (from all of us!) but he’s learning to reflect and step back a bit. He’s nine now and there’s an increasingly level of understanding that his behaviour affects other people. He’s taking more responsibility for little things around the family as well – getting breakfast for himself if he’s up early or calming his little sister down if she throws a tantrum. It’s a hard job, though!
March 15th, 2013 at 2:10 pm
[...] of my more commented on posts (not that that this is saying much) is Eight is a difficult age, an agonised cri de couer about the whining (him) and yelling (us) that dudelet, then eight, was [...]
March 25th, 2013 at 5:54 pm
ok, so I know this is a year old, but just read based on your update. My son is similar in that he has the self-esteem problem–where if he doesn’t do something right –mostly coping skills relating to others, and when he does goofy things in public that others don’t appreciate–when you correct him, he is starting to get mad at himself, tell us his brain doesn’ t work right, he’s the only bad kid in the class, etc. Very frustrating. We have put him in some Sat. morning “social skills” classes where he is learning about self-regulation (not reacting in a crazy way over little things, figuring out how to regulate yourself back to normal), teamwork, perspective taking, things like that. When we asked a specialist about the whole “perfectionism” issue, this guy told us we should look into some books on gifted kid–because that’s a big issue. The smarter the kids are, the more aware they are when they aren’t doing things right, and they get really upset about it…..maybe you have some skill-type programs where you live??
March 25th, 2013 at 6:29 pm
We thought about it – and whilst I’m not comfortable with the term ‘gifted’, he’s undoubtably very bright – but the regular drama class he goes to probably fulfils a similar function in terms of pushing him to develop more ‘grown-up’ social skills that just aren’t catered for in a school environment.
March 28th, 2013 at 2:33 am
I don’t have kids but used to work with them so take this with a grain of salt. Two thoughts:
What’s dudelet’s bedtime? Have you tried making it a short interval later to see if that affects his waking time? If not, perhaps try this in fifteen minute intervals a few days at a time to see if there’s an impact.
Also, given his burgeoning independence, perhaps you could work with him to set his overall schedule. For example, ‘dudelet, if you plan to go to bed at xx, what time do you think you should brush your teeth?’ If he has a hand in setting the schedule, perhaps he will think it important enough to abide.
You parents are brave, all of you. Best wishes!